


Accidental Conversation

by Cashmere21



Series: Anatomy of a relationship [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Accidental meeting, Established Relationship, F/M, Having a serious chat, Mention of pregnancy and miscarriage, Post-Divorce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2019-10-25 05:06:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17718629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cashmere21/pseuds/Cashmere21
Summary: Ben and Rey were married for nearly 4 years and are recently divorced.  They bump into each other and Ben realises that Rey has kept some secrets.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there. First time posting here. Please excuse any grammar or spelling mistakes. Hope you enjoy.

Like fingernails across a chalkboard, the tapping of her spoon against the saucer of her teacup is unravelling the last frays of Ben’s nerves. A quick glance across to the other patrons of the restaurant they are sitting in, informs him that he is not the only one getting annoyed at the sound she is making.

The elderly lady at the next table over to them catches his eye, as she raises her brows at him and nods her head at his companion in frustration. The apologetic frown that slips from his lips does nothing to ease the exasperation on the lady’s face.

Ben resumes his observation of the irritating physical manifestation of her unease. He slowly slides his hand across the table and halts Rey, who instantly drops her spoon as soon as his fingers reach around her wrist, startled by the skin to skin contact. Satisfied, now that the din within the restaurant has quietened to what it would normally be, he pulls his hand away and clears his throat.

‘Rey, talk to me.’ He pleads.

For the first time since they accidentally bumped into each other on the street, decided to talk, entered this restaurant and were seated at this table, she manages to hold his gaze. Looking straight at her, he can see the worry, disappointment and all the other emotions he has gotten so to used to seeing, flit across her face. For a moment he considers picking up the spoon and putting it back into her hand to let her resume her nervous tapping.

‘Were you going to tell me?’ The question is out of his mouth before he can think about any answer she may give him and if he really wants to hear what she has to say. Truth be told, a part of him doesn’t even really want to know, but the possibility of what could be is sitting so heavy on his chest, and this hopeful anticipation is bubbling under his skin, that he believes he may explode if he doesn’t find out.

She seems to think about her reply for a few brief seconds, leaning back and getting into a more comfortable position on her chair. ‘Of course, I was.’

‘Is it mine?’ Mirroring her movements, Ben shuffles all the way back in his seat too, but crosses his left leg over his right leg, right arm draped over the back of his chair and tries, and probably fails to look as relaxed as he can possibly manage.

Rey appears more interested in fingering the hem of the cloth on their table, but then releases a huff from deep within her. ‘Of course, it is.’ A brow rises in irritation as she lets her eyes fall back onto his face. 

Ben can only nod slowly, letting the news of his upcoming fatherhood sink in. Is it elation, excitement or doom he hears thundering in his ears? ‘So that means…’

‘Yes.’

‘The last time…’

‘Yes.’

‘Seven months ago?’

‘Yes, seven months, and 23 days to be exact.’

He hasn’t been able to stop bobbing his head up and down throughout this whole interaction. ‘What would have been our fourth wedding anniversary?’

‘Yes.’ Rey harrumphs. ‘After the miscarriage you said you didn’t want to try again.’ She peeps up at him from below her eyelashes, worried that the mention of what they had lost, at what had caused their issues to escalate to the point of breaking down their marriage, would reopen all their wounds. 

Her lips work as if there are more words there to be said, that she is biting down on, but some tumble out anyway, seemingly against her will. ‘I…, I wanted to tell you. Honestly, I did. But I was afraid you would think I was trying to manipulate you.’

He inhales deeply to the count of 6, hold his breath and exhales to the count of 8. It is true that if she had told him during their divorce mediation he would not, could not have taken it as anything other than manipulation. But he also knows her. Knows the person she is and what she is capable of. Everything had been too raw back then, too many negative emotions too close to the surface to think clearly or see that she was still just Rey, even though she wasn’t His Rey any longer. It was right for her to bide her time with this news. 

 

The waitress approaches just then, a querying look on her face. ‘Is everything ok here? Can I get you anything else?’

Ben’s eyes do not leave Rey’s. ‘Can I have a glass of whiskey, no ice?’

The waitress nods once and saunters off past them and their staring competition continues. A short bust of laughter escapes his lips. He was going to be a father! Elation. Excitement. Doom…

Rey leans forward, this time placing both of her elbows on top of the table.

‘I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure and everything was fine. I wanted to tell you during the proceedings…’ she pauses. ‘I was going to tell you last time I saw you, but, …’

‘But?’

Rey’s left hand moves up and starts playing with her bottom lip. ‘Ben, we couldn’t be in the same room for less than 5 minutes without fighting. It wasn’t like I could bring it up in front of our lawyers discussing our divorce.’

‘When would have been the right time, then? After the birth, first birthday, eighteenth birthday?’ He asks, unsure how he manages to keep his voice calm.

‘I don’t know, Ben, I really don’t know.’ Rey whispers, her hand dropping back onto the table.

‘Is everything all right? With the baby, I mean?’

Rey reaches for her handbag, placing it on her lap and for a short moment Ben believes she is going to get up and leave. She, however, starts rummaging through it, before finding what she is looking for and pushes a piece of thick paper towards him. A photo, by the looks of it, an image in black and grey, of a blob, with the title Baby Solo written in the top right corner.

The waitress reappears with his drink, and before she even manages to turn away, he asks for another glass of whiskey. A curt movement of her head is his only reply and she leaves them again.

As he picks up the photo from the table in front of him, his eyes find Rey’s, before falling back to the image now in his hands. He can barely make out the rough shape standing out in grey, trying to distinguish between legs and torso and head and arms.

‘Yes, everything is fine. I’ve had all the tests done and everything is good. He is going to be a big boy.’ She explains.

‘He?’ Ben croaks.

‘Yes, it’s a boy.’

Even though there is no saliva in his mouth Ben tries to swallow deeply. ‘When are you due?’

‘Middle of April.’

‘Did you go and see Maz for the tests?’

‘Yes. She gave me list of do’s and don’ts as long as my arm. But I am taking extra care, and everything is fine.’

He cannot seem to stop looking at the scan, looking at what will be his son. ‘This changes things.’

‘Does it?’

‘Doesn’t it?’ He accepts the second drink delivered to the table and turns to the waitress. ‘Just keep them coming.’ The waitress dips her head and departs.

‘Do you think you should… you know, drink this much? Aren’t you going back to the office?’ Rey queries.

‘Screw the office, I’ve just found out about my son.’

Rey leans back again, her hands up in surrender before crossing them over her expanded belly.

‘Of course, this changes things. Child support, custody, all those things we need to figure out.’ His voice, though calm and at a normal volume now hisses with an undertone of forcefulness.

‘We don’t need to figure it out right now though, do we?’

‘When should we figure this out? Once he’s here?’ Ben takes a gulp of his drink. ‘And until then you’re expecting me to sit on the side-lines, not having any input on what happens with my child?’

‘Our child, Ben, and that is not what I’m saying.’

‘So how do you see this going?’

Rey, for all intents and purposes, remains silent, watching him. Her countenance not changing, not even blinking, and yet he knows she is getting frustrated with him. That he knows which buttons to press, that his temper was always a shadow hanging over their relationship.

‘Are you planning on staying in the city?’ His change of subject confuses her momentarily.

‘Yes. I would like to carry on working until a few weeks before he arrives. The company won’t collapse when I go on maternity leave. I am winding down and Rose will take over any outstanding projects.’

‘Rose knows?’

‘She suspected what the cause of my symptoms was.’

‘Symptoms?’

Rey reaches for her cup and takes a tentative sip of her tea. ‘I had terrible morning sickness. I was tired, had mood swings and very sore… ‘ she pauses, her wrist moving along her breast, ‘…boobs.’

He swallows again, eyes following the movement of her arm. ‘I’m sorry to hear that you were suffering.’

‘I felt miserable, had issues with keeping food down, and it took a while to get my head around it. I was worried, about the baby and about us, but I wasn’t suffering.’

‘No more than what I put you through, you mean?’ He states, callously. ‘But you haven’t answered my question. Do you plan on staying in the city?’

Rey clears her throat. ‘Yes. That’s why I wanted the apartment in the settlement.’

‘It would have made more sense to get the house instead and raise him there.’ He moves the scan back towards her, slowly, loath to lose the only proof he has of his son.

‘You can keep it.’ Shaking her head, she pushes the scan back. ‘I didn’t want the house, because it never felt like home.’ 

He places the image in the inside pocket of his suit jacket and leans forward. He regards the tumbler, twirls it between his strong hands a few times and downs the rest of his drink.

‘You once told me that I was your home. Wherever I was would be home to you.’

‘You were never at the house, so…’ She lets the statement hang between them. Not as an accusation, but just one of her sad, simple truths. 

‘Just another way I disappointed you?’

‘Let’s not rehash everything that was wrong in our relationship.’ Worry has crept into her voice. She takes a tentative sip of her tea.

‘There is only one time you disappointed me, Rey. ‘ He says more into his now empty glass than to his ex-wife. ‘The day I came home from work to find you gone.’

‘Don’t… don’t, Ben.’ She placea her cup on the table. ‘Let’s just keep this light and easy.’

‘Nobody said it would be easy.’

‘No, and we have a special talent of making it much harder on each other.’

‘Then what do you what, Rey?’

‘I want a healthy and happy child, who knows he is loved by both his parents.’ She expresses plainly.

‘You want me involved?’

‘Yes. As much as you want to be involved.’ Rey regards him, eyes flitting over his features. ‘We both had difficult childhoods, have both suffered from different forms of abandonment. I never want him to feel that.’ She reaches for her tea again. ‘I want you involved.’

‘I want to be involved.’ Ben affirms. ‘In everything. You can depend on me for whatever you and he need.’

The silent seconds stretch between them whilst they observe each other. 

Pulling her chair closer to the table, she puts both her hands on either side of her plate. ‘Thank you… Ben, and if it means anything, I am sorry, for not telling you earlier.’

Another full glass is delivered to the table, whilst an empty is taken from his hands.

‘Does my mother know?’ He bites the inside of his cheek.

‘Of course not. You think I would keep it from you, but go and tell her?’

‘She seemed to know a lot about what went wrong in our relationship. After you left, she was the one who told me why.’

‘She was a sympathetic ear when I needed one.’

‘You mean when I wouldn’t listen.’

‘Yes.’

‘I know I should have done more of that.’

‘Ben, I am not trying to blame you for our issues. God knows, I made mistakes that I need you to forgive me for, but yes. You wouldn’t listen, and you wouldn’t talk, either. How could we move past what happened if we didn’t communicate.’

‘What do I need to forgive you for?’

‘I left, didn’t I?’ Rey is unable to meet his gaze at her admission. The words make his heartbeat skip and falter inside his chest. 

They sit in silence for a while, both so aware of the other.

‘I’ve started going to see somebody. A therapist to talk to about my issues.’

Ben brows rise in surprise. ‘You find it helps?’

‘Yes.’

‘Mine seems to have ground to a halt. Holdo keeps telling me that I should be more emotionally honest. As if I know how to do that.’

‘You’ve started going again?’

‘Yes, after you … left it seemed like the right thing to do.’

‘For what it’s worth, I am proud of you for that.’ Rey’s fingertips are ghosting along the edge of her napkin.

‘Thank you. And if it means anything to you, I am proud of you. Everything you are and have become. You’re going to be a fantastic mother.’ He worries his lower lip, embarrassed by his admission.

‘I have my doubts, but I’m sure we can’t be as bad as our own parents, can we?’ The ghosting fingertips travel across the table to where his hand lays inert. She barely touches him, but at the contact, his eyes move from their hands to her face.

‘How did we get here?’ She asks quietly.

‘I honestly don’t know.’

‘Could we have screwed this up any more?’

‘Probably not.’

The waitress walks past, and Ben asks for the bill.

 

xxx

 

It’s still raining on that cold and groggy Wednesday morning, when they leave. Both of them huddled under the awning of the restaurant’s entrance as Rey tries to button up her coat, now straining tight around her belly.

‘It wasn’t all bad, was it?’ He asks. He is unable to stop his hands from fingering her scarf before winding it around her neck.

‘You made me the happiest I’ve ever been.’ Rey’s hands reach out to hold his wrists. ‘But you also made me the saddest.’

‘Can we meet again, say next week? Just to discuss the plans for him. Like I said, I want to be involved.’

They step out, moving past the spot on the street where they had bumped into each other by accident, what was only an hour ago. He raises his arm and hails her a taxi.

‘I would like that very much. You still have my number, right?’

A tight smile appears on his lips and he nods briefly. He watches as she tucks herself into the taxi and closes the door for her. As the car moves off, he is unable to stop himself from staring after it for the longest time.


	2. Thankful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is his ex-wife’s guest in the same flat they shared as a married couple. He feels like he is intruding, taking up her time and energy by simply orbiting around her, co-existing with her in close proximity, when she should be concentrating on herself and their baby. But he jumped at the chance she so easily offered, coming up with the suggestion of sharing her space in the run up to the birth of their child and his first few months of life.

It’s a strange sensation, he feels at odds and peculiarly untethered. Everything is as it was when it was still their home, no walls demolished or moved, and the dining room is still the dining room. All his belongings ejected from this space, replaced by more of her things. Where there was once a monochrome and stark canvas is now filled with her books and trinkets – which he has no recollection of her owning before – her framed pictures, extra cushions on the sofas, rugs thrown haphazardly on any empty floor and plants dotted along every window sill. As if his very existence has been erased from the history of this apartment, and in its stead, she has managed to bloom into this idiosyncratic habitat.

He is his ex-wife’s guest in the same flat they shared as a married couple. He feels like he is intruding, taking up her time and energy by simply orbiting around her, co-existing with her in close proximity, when she should be concentrating on herself and their baby. But he jumped at the chance she so easily offered, coming up with the suggestion of sharing her space in the run up to the birth of their child and his first few months of life.

‘This way we only need to buy one of everything.’ is her simple and economic explanation, followed by no eye contact and a worried swallow from her. And whilst he knows that they are both aware that money doesn’t really factor into this equation, he is elated at the offer and takes it for what it is; a chance for him to prove to her that he is all in and not going anywhere. And for that he is thankful.

Living out of a small suitcase, the one he brings from his new apartment, is unsettling to him, so used to his organised schedule and space. He ensures that he cuts back on work to spend more time with her. He understands that they are both different people now than when they were married; he often notices a hardness in her that he is sure wasn’t there before, but her infectious determination to enjoy life still bubbles away beneath everything she does, and he cannot help but let it infect him as well. They spend hours in second hand stores, filling their child’s room with pre-loved furniture and decorations. Ben lets Rey go crazy on buying things she wants to upscale, sand down, repaint, dismantle and put back together again to her liking. He does, however, put his foot down when it comes to buying second hand clothes and toys. 

They pore over articles regarding the best buggy, car seat and high chair, spending hours debating whether to buy new (him) or used (her). Rey is adamant that the short list of necessities Rose gave her is enough (Moses basket and you can never have too many bibs), whilst he has trawled through the internet to create several tabs worth of spreadsheets, which he methodically updates when a purchase is made. Ben orders mountains of products – he subscribes to a nappies service and buys organic and natural baby creams, eco-friendly wipes and all the latest gadgets for their child, fresh fruit and vegetables, healthy snacks and juices for Rey. He makes sure her folic acid and prenatal supplements are always stocked up, that she eats her five portions and lots of legumes and dairy as so many different studies suggested. Rey doesn’t mention anything about this change in him, nor his mother hen behaviour, nor the stack of baby and early childhood development books that has grown exponentially on his side of the dining room table.

He feels a strange sensation deep down, when he finds reclined on one of the sofas in the living room, both hands on her ever-growing bump, talking quietly to their son. His lungs constrict, and his heart seems to miss a few beats at the sight and he spends more and more time just watching her, observing her silently interact with their unborn child, sure that she isn’t even aware that she is doing it. He starts to wonder what it would have been like if they’d never divorced, if he had the freedom to touch and caress them whenever he wished. If he was able to stop her in her tracks to kneel before her, hands around her waist, able to express his own love and excitement to his offspring without having to ask her permission first.

But he can’t, and he won’t, instead letting her get on with the heavy lifting of growing their child within her body, thankful for the few times she excitedly grabs his hands to hold it to her expanded stomach to feel him move and kick. He tries to be mindful of his size and shape, tries not to crowd or corner her, but still offers to give her back rubs and foot massages. Something she initially refuses, but soon accepts for what they are; his way of offering her his support.

In the evenings he brings home dinner, something spicy being high on her list of cravings, Indian or Thai or Mexican, and they sit together at the dining room table, talking about their day and the future they envision for their child or the article or book they’ve just finished reading about how to burp a baby or the proper technique of setting up a night time routine. It is the safest topic and neither want to prod the sleeping dog at their feet. No mention of their past as a married childless couple, no mention of their future as two separate entities, or how the extensive gravitational pull of their child will affect them and keep them in each other’s lives. 

He joins her for the appointments with Maz, ultrasounds and additional blood pressure check-ups, able to answer more honestly on her behalf questions on how well she is eating and sleeping, when her responses are just a ‘Fine.’ or an ‘Ok.’, and pre-natal classes where he studiously writes down everything the midwife tells them, in his little red notebook. He sits silently when she discusses her birthing plan and can only nod when the nurse enquires if he will be in the room during the birth. He swallows heavily when asked how much he wants to participate, not able to look away from Rey, with her expectant eyes looking right back at him, to say ‘As much as I can, as long as Rey is comfortable.’

At the classes, they learn methods to help ease the pain and discomfort during child labour (although he can’t help himself laughing at the word choice of discomfort when Rey is trying to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon). They learn about the different options of giving birth, best practices on how to bathe and swaddle a baby and the importance of skin-to-skin contact between parent and child, first aid and CPR. They remain quiet when the other couples chat among themselves, instead retreating into this tentative bubble of what will be their own little family.

His mind boggles with all the things that they need to get right, and all the things that can so easily go wrong. Rey seems to take everything in better stride than he and he feels glimmers of pride in her, certain that she will be a great mother. The way that she approaches impending motherhood with a composed serenity and sure handedness he wishes would rub off a little on him.

He feels a strange sensation when he takes her to lunch at his parents’ house the Sunday before his son arrives. To walk into his childhood home, aware of this imminent change in their lives, to feel as if nothing has been altered within these walls for the last few decades. The initial conversation with his mother had been answering questions on so many aspects of Ben and Rey’s lives, most of which they hadn’t even had time to make any decisions on yet. He had to cut the call after nearly 2 hours of his mother’s probing, just because he couldn’t and didn’t want to answer anything else.

The lunch goes as he expects. His parents fawning over Rey, jabbering on about how well she looks and the size of her bump. Stories are shared about when his mother was pregnant with him, about his birth and his early childhood. Of course, his baby pictures have to make an appearance over desert and coffee and both Rey and his mother end up cooing and ahh’ing over them, much to his dismay, which just seems to amuse them more. His father appears at his shoulder and with only a smirk and a nod hands him a tumbler of whiskey before sitting back down in his usual armchair.

But the strangest sensation of all is the total absence of the anger and loneliness he has been carrying around with him for most of his life. Ben is fully aware that whatever it is they are building together is not romantic or sexual in any form or fashion, even if there are times when he wishes it was. He is thoroughly enjoying looking after her and his unborn child, making sure that all their needs are met, that they are comfortable and she feels secure with him around. For the first time in a long while feels like he belongs. Like his life has meaning. And for that he is thankful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again all. Thanks for your encouragement and sticking with me.
> 
> This is totally un-beta'd 
> 
> Have a great weekend.
> 
> C


	3. And so it follows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is finding things a little bit more difficult than she anticipated...
> 
> Also, there is some more in depth discussion on the miscarriage mentioned previously, just as an FYI.
> 
> *
> 
> The kettle whistles, and Ben backs away again to finish brewing her tea. He places the steaming mug before her and takes his place on the opposite side of the island. Rey thanks him.
> 
> ‘This is my last week.’ He states in response.
> 
> Neither of them can keep eye contact.
> 
> ‘Oh.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there. Sorry for the wait in getting this out. It is completely un-beta'd so every single mistake belongs to me.
> 
> Hope all is well with you and that you enjoy the chapter! 
> 
> C

Rey traces the path of one of the raindrops on her cab window as the city zooms past beyond. Her right hand is still tingling from when Ben clasped it to help her into the cab, her left holding her mobile tightly to her ear.

What were the chances in a city of nearly 6 million to bump into your ex-husband? What was the likelihood of their two paths colliding on that street, outside that specific brasserie, at that specific moment?

She can hear Rose humming on the other end of her mobile. ‘So, you finally told him?’

Rey can’t help worrying her bottom lip. ‘I bumped into him, and he has eyes, so yeah, I had to tell him.’

‘And how do you feel?’

She wishes she had turned around, to look back at Ben through the cab’s rear windscreen as it drove off, but the possibility that he may not have been at the side of the road watching her drive away cuts more than it probably should.

‘I honestly don’t know.’ She takes a deep inhale. ‘Relieved, anxious. Pleased?’

‘Well, at least it’s done, right?’ 

‘Yeah, I guess so.’ Rey absentmindedly fiddles with the seam of her coat, still slightly damp from the rain.

‘Are you ok? How did he take the news?’ Rose asks.

‘It was strange.’ She replies. ‘He took it well. I mean, he was surprised. He was upset, but he was ok. He wants to be involved.’

‘I don’t mean to do this to you, but I told you so, didn’t I?’ Rey can hear Rose heave a sigh.

‘Yeah, you did.’ She swallows. ‘He was like he was before. He was hurt, but open, communicative, you know?’

‘You coming back into the office? Cause I can handle the 3pm by myself if you wanted to go home.’

‘Thanks, but I still feel a bit jittery. I think I need to be around people for a bit. If you are ok to do the meeting by yourself, I may just get the Newman project details confirmed and then head home early.’

After finalising her plans with Rose, she hangs up. 

She feels strange, on a precipice of something big. Something unknown. And Rey doesn’t like the unknown.

 

**

 

Being pregnant sucks big time. Rey is tired all the time; her back aches and her feet feel sore and have ballooned to the size of watermelons, or at least larger than normal cantaloupes.

Ben returns from the kitchen, a bottle of water in one hand, two glasses in the other. He places them on the coffee table and scoots Rey’s legs up from where she lays sprawled over the sofa.

‘Hey!’ she squirms.

‘Relax. I read that foot massages are good for you.’ Ben pats her knees and lays her feet onto his lap.

‘Really, you don’t have to.’ Rey squirms some more, but his strong fingers keep her feet from moving too far.

‘Will you stop? Just relax.’

His fingers skim across her toes, twisting them, moving further down to her instep.

‘Oh, wow. How did you know that’s the spot?’ Rey squirms again, this time in an attempt to get closer.

‘I read an article about massages specifically to relieve pregnancy aches and pains. Did you know that you shouldn’t put too much pressure here?‘ His fingers glide against the skin just under her ankle. ‘There’s nerves that lead straight to your ovaries and uterus.’

‘That’s very….’ Rey tries to think of the right word, whilst her heart flutters a few extra beats. ‘… Interesting! Thank you, Ben.’

‘You’re welcome, Rey!’

 

**

 

If Rey is being honest with herself, she’d have to admit that she has never ever really felt maternal. 

Sure, she’s looks after people, cares for them. She brings Finn chicken soup whenever he is ill, and makes sure Rose has water and painkillers after one too many on a night out. But the idea of ever being a mother had seriously never crossed her mind.

She’s never felt broody or the twinge of jealousy when seeing expectant mothers or envious when she attended friends’ baby showers. 

Both pregnancies had been unplanned, little accidents. 

Of course, she had fallen in love with the idea of a new life growing inside of her, this new family, as soon as she had found out she was pregnant the first time around. Of course she had felt the loss keenly. Of course she had spent weeks and months mourning and working through her grief. 

But when she’d miscarried, there had been a very small, guilty part of her that had accepted it. The same very small guilty part that made her feel relieved. Hurt and grief-stricken, yes, deeply, but also guilt-ridden for feeling that tiny bit relieved. 

Neither Ben nor she were ready when it came to the actuality of being responsible and capable parents and seeing the ease with which their marriage collapsed around them, it had to have been a blessing. If she considered it in a cold and clinical view, the loss of their child had dealt the fatal blow to their marriage.

Rey had raged and she had wept. She had felt terrible and broken and guilty. But she had done so all by herself. 

Ben had receded so far within himself and his work, it had been like living with a cardboard cut-out of the man. It had hurt not to have his comfort, his support to help her overcome the anguish. It had hurt just as much, that he wouldn’t allow her to be there for him. 

She had tried. She had tried talking to him. She had tried reasoning with him. She had tried screaming and shouting, whenever his shoes passed the threshold into their home. But she hadn’t been capable. 

And Rey has always believed herself to be a capable woman, able to deal with everything life has thrown at her. 

 

**

 

Joshua Solo arrives after 23 hours of labour, which she can’t really remember clearly, truth be told, weighing just shy of 3.8 kilos. Even after the emotional rollercoaster, the way her hormones make her up one second and down the next, the pushing and breathing and work to get this little guy into the world, Rey still believes she is capable. 

She finds herself so full of love and happiness, feeling the connection with this family unit that has sprung around her like she belongs to them and them to her, but she still feels that guilt. 

Guilty for having moved on from her initial loss. Guilty for being so in love with this child.

Guilty for reaching out and grabbing Ben by the neck and littering his face with kisses, as Joshua is laid on her sweaty bosom, covered in mucus, red skinned, and screaming.

She is crying and giggling at this – their - baby, all arms and legs flailing.

Yes, definitely capable of screwing this up royally.

 

**

 

Rey’s guilt is like a cold lump of concrete sitting deep in her belly. Every time she thinks she has all she could ever possibly want right there, that weight shifts slightly, and she can feel her insides drop and tumble and twist.

Remembering the life that was lost and what it has cost her, what it has cost them both.

The only words that pass their lips are to or about Josh. Anytime she feels like she cannot contain her feelings and broach the subject of them, of their future or even of their past, she is unable to. 

Her brain unable to string together the words she wants, her throat unable to sound out the sentiments she needs. She’s just too tired.

After nearly 3 month of trying to function as human on any basic level, and more importantly care for this little new life that they are now responsible for, on only a few hours of sleep, a handful of actual full sit down meals and a couple of barely there showers, being a mother is starting to take its toll.

Ben is trying to help, but she is the walking, talking milk factory, so any downtime she gets is usually interrupted within an hour by a hungry and screaming infant. And that is with pumping. That is with Ben taking over some feedings to give her some time to concentrate on herself, to sleep, to read, to have a shower.

Leia and Han visit often as soon as Rey and Josh are discharged from the hospital. Han is, well… Han, but Leia helps out with food shopping, cooking and laundry, whilst Rey and Ben get to grips with trying to set a schedule for their child – Ben’s idea after reading how well adjusted adults stem from children with a set timetable. 

Sadly, this idea is out the window within a few weeks, after realising that Joshua is a specialist in pee, poop, and other bodily fluids that mean he ends up having several baths and changes of clothes a day and that no matter what they plan, everything takes three times as long when an infant is involved.

And that is if he only manages to cover himself. Too many of Ben’s shirts have had to be whisked off after one of Josh’s accidents. Rey wouldn’t be able to count the amount of times she has had to have a quick change of clothes after he spat up all over her.

He is growing and changing every day. His eyes, already a dark brown at 3 weeks old, take on his father’s intensity and follow his parents’ movement around the room within the month. Josh graces them with smiles and giggles with his mother’s lips. His father’s shoulders and legs, strong and thick, but with his grandmother’s hands and feet.

 

**

 

One night, after spending the afternoon in the park, Rey finds herself transfixed watching Ben give Joshua his bedtime bath. The care and gentleness he shows towards their child is still surprising to her to witness. The silent and impassive man she’s known from the last year has transformed into patience personified. 

She watches as he blows raspberries and bubbles, trying to keep their son entertained. His usual tenor replaced by a slightly higher tone, babbling away.

As if Josh had managed to replace the cardboard cut-out with the actual living Ben she remembers from the beginning of their relationship.

She thinks back to the momentary daydream in the park, where she imagined they were a happy couple, in love with each other and their child. 

The stark realisation that they are just glorified flatmates who co-parent made her guilt shift and coil her insides.

Deciding to be useful and not waste her time on things that cannot be, she proceeds to get everything ready for Josh’s bedtime feed, and is standing by the sink, waiting for her pumped breastmilk to warm up, when Ben enters the kitchen.

‘He’s out like a light. I don’t think we’ll need that until later.’

Rey can only hum a short acknowledgment before switching off the stove.

‘You look dead on your feed.’ She feels Ben’s words close to her neck and his large hands on her shoulders as he turns her around. ‘Take a seat. I’ll make you a cup of tea.’

She lumbers around the island and hefts herself down on one of the stools facing him as he moves around the kitchen, boiling water, and preparing her drink.

Ben seems to be so engaged on fixing her tea, that she is surprised when he suddenly turns towards her, clasping his hands before his chest, as if nervous.

‘We need to talk.’ He blurts out. His lips work together relentlessly, his jaw tightening and flexing.

‘Sure.’ She manages to croak out.

The kettle whistles, and Ben backs away again to finish brewing her tea. He places the steaming mug before her and takes his place on the opposite side of the island. Rey thanks him.

‘This is my last week.’ He states in response.

Neither of them can keep eye contact.

‘Oh.’ 

Stupidly, as if trying to find something to keep herself busy and not focussing on him and the conversation they are starting, she takes a sip and quickly realises her tea is still scolding hot.

‘Are you ok?’ Worry is etched around the corner of his eyes.

‘Sure, sorry, just burnt myself.’ Rey inhales, straightens her back and decided to face this head on. ‘What’s your plan? Will you move back to your apartment?’

‘Yeah, I think so. We said four months, after all, so…’ His words drift off. ‘I mean it makes sense, right?’

‘Of course, it makes sense. Makes perfect sense.’ She hopes her exaggerated nodding isn’t giving her frantically tumbling gut away.


	4. Coming to a decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben starts packing his belongings over the next few days. Rey tries to keep herself busy with meeting Rose and taking Josh to the baby play park. 
> 
> Just getting out of the apartment seems to ease her breaking heart. At least this way she can pretend that she doesn’t notice how his books have disappeared from all over their home… her home. 
> 
> She can ignore the fact that his toiletries now sit in his toiletry bag, rather than on the counter of their shared bathroom.
> 
> They should be adults about this. For Christ sake, they are adults. But neither broaches the subject of emotions or feelings or wishes.

It’s amazing how quickly they settle everything. They will split custody 50/50. Josh will spend five days in one home, and then they’ll swap over. 

They discuss the holidays. Rey’s going to spend Thanksgiving with Rose and Finn, whilst he will head to his parents’ with Josh. She will then join them on the Friday.

Ben will have Josh for the start of Hanukkah, whilst she takes him for Christmas. She’ll host something at hers, to which the Solos are invited.

Arrangements are determined. Decisions reached. Compromises made. The next few months of their future laid out to them like funerary plans.

Ben starts packing his belongings over the next few days. Rey tries to keep herself busy with meeting Rose and taking Josh to the baby play park. 

Just getting out of the apartment seems to ease her breaking heart. At least this way she can pretend that she doesn’t notice how his books have disappeared from all over their home… her home. 

She can ignore the fact that his toiletries now sit in his toiletry bag, rather than on the counter of their shared bathroom.

They should be adults about this. For Christ sake, they are adults. But neither broaches the subject of emotions or feelings or wishes.

Their daily routine has been such a comfort to both of them that neither knows how they will handle living apart.

Leia invites them over for lunch on the last Sunday before he is to move out. 

They arrive at his parent’s house to the smells of roasting brisket and the sounds of Billy Holliday, with Josh gurgling in his carrier and the multiple bags of nappies, changes of clothes and toys to keep him entertained.

Han holds his hands out for his grandson as soon as they are settled in the living room and pushes Rey and Ben into the kitchen to help Leia. ‘I’ve got the little man. You go in there and listen to your mother!’

*

This is definitely not what either of them had anticipated or expected.

Sitting at his parent’s kitchen table, eyes downturned, not daring to move, or talk or even breathe. Both Rey and Ben sit, shoulders up by their ears, looking at their hands, like naughty children caught red handed.

‘OK, I know you’ll say that I’m overstepping, but you just need to swallow your pride and embarrassment and talk about your feelings.’ Leia states so calmly that Ben wonders if she hadn’t planned this all along. 

‘It’s obvious to anybody who knows you, actually anybody with eyes, that you still love each other, and that is worth fighting for.’ She sternly points a finger at each of them in turn. ‘Talk to each other, tell each other how you feel. And most importantly, tell each other the truth.’ She nods briefly, harbouring no space for argument and leaves the kitchen. 

‘You have that little guy that needs you to figure it out, so don’t mess this up any more than you already have.’ She throws over her shoulder and is gone.

Ben clears his throat. ‘I can only apologise for this. But she’s right.’

Rey’s lips smirk. 

Both are silent for a beat, before talking at the same time.

‘I don’t want to…’

‘I don’t want you to…’

Rey barks a nervous laugh and a smile tugs at the corner of Ben’s lips.

‘You start.’

Rey takes a deep breath, as if to prepare herself for a fight. ‘She’s right. We do need to talk about this.’

‘We’ve never been good at discussing our feelings, have we?’ Ben leans forward and places both arms on the table.

In unison, they raise their eyes and regard each other for a long time.

‘I’ve wanted to talk about this, but just didn’t know how.’ Rey can’t hide her discomfort from her voice. She can’t blush any harder than she already is.

‘I don’t think I say it enough, or have ever said it, really. But I am lucky to have you in my life.’ Ben states simply.

Rey’s fingers ghost over the kitchen table. ‘I think we are lucky to have each other.’

‘We are. And we nearly lost that, didn’t we.’

‘How do we make sure we don’t lose it again?’

‘First we have to talk about what it is that we want, don’t you think?’ Ben scratches the back of his neck.

Rey bites her lip and nods.

‘What do you want?’ He asks.

‘Is it too cheesy to say that I just want you?’

‘Not if you mean it.’

‘What is it that you want?’ She asks.

‘I want my wife back.’

*

They talk and talk, holding hands across the table, as if on their first date.

Leia re-enters the kitchen 30 minutes after she left it, to switch off the oven and to tell them they have another 15 minutes before lunch is served. 

She sees them holding hands. She sees them with their goofy grins and love-heart eyes and can’t help the happiness bubbling over with a smile.

But she leaves as quickly as she arrived, and without saying another word.

Ben pushes his chair back, the wood creaking across the floor, stands and extends his arm to keep holding Rey’s hand.

He walks around to where she is still sitting, pulls her up and hugs her so fiercely that she can’t breathe for a moment.

*

They rush through dinner, not talking much to either Han or Leia, who can only share knowing looks over their plates.

As they are leaving, Leia pulls both Rey and Ben into an embrace, squeezing both of them tightly.

The journey back to the apartment is serene. Neither of them speak at all, only furtive glances and secret smiles. Their happiness is still too brittle to celebrate.

Josh chatters up a storm from the backseat, completely oblivious to what is happening between his parents.

Once they arrive home, they go through his bedtime routine as if on auto pilot. She bathes Josh, whilst he warms up his bottle. 

Josh falls asleep within moments, as if even he understands that there are other things his parents need right now.

They regard each other across the crib, their son’s breath coming deep and steady.

Quietly they move to the hallway and as Ben leans across her to close the door he raises his other arm to box her in against the wall.

Rey is squirming under his intense focus, half ecstasy, half dread. 

Ben seems to be debating something. She isn’t sure what, but he’s tentatively coming to some kind of conclusion. 

She wants to be patient. Feels like she has to be patient, to allow him to take the lead, but the butterflies in her stomach are creating a tornado fit to burst.

His right hand hovers over her left cheek, it almost feels delicate, hesitant.

He is watching the line between her eyebrows deepen, those clear hazel eyes concentrating only on him and he isn’t capable of controlling the pounding of his heart. 

He wants to touch her. He wants to run his fingers through her hair, feel the soft skin of her face and throat, pull her to him, feel his hands on her shoulders and ribcage, feel her hand in his. 

‘What do you want to do?’ Rey manages to croak out, her voice breaking.

‘Everything. Nothing. Just standing with you like this is enough.’

She reaches out to him, her palm slowly grazing his cheek. Her dainty finger tips trail from his brow bone down the side of his cheek to cup his jaw.

‘I’ve missed being able to touch you.’ He hums. ‘And you touching me.’

Her knuckles graze against his Adam’s apple down to his clavicle, stopping just on the inside of the collar of his shirt.

His skin feels so warm and soothingly familiar.

He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this nervous. 

He wasn’t this nervous when he’d asked Rey out the first time, nor on their fourth date when she made it clear that she wanted him to stay the night and all that it would entail.

He wasn’t this nervous on their wedding day, as she walked down the aisle, looking every bit the goddess he though she was, promising to always be his.

As if being pulled by an invisible cord, he is distracted by her smile and moves closer to her, pressing her further back against the wall. 

A strangled sound escapes her throat as his hands somehow find their way to her waist. His grasp is strong but so gentle that she feels safe and treasured.

‘I’ve missed you, too.’ She simply replies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and sticking with me on this little trip. Sorry it has taken a while to update.


End file.
